I’m very serious this subtlification and Beyondness this is happening perpetually daily, like my consciousness is like an air balloon that rises above and beyond everything to the point it’s like nothing is there, and some days it’s so bad I feel like there’s literally no world I can’t feel it I can’t connect to it seemingly.
and I really don’t recognize myself at this level of subtlety I’m wondering even if something is wrong. I’m dying to get some Insight and talk to someone that might have experience with what’s happening. Never in my life has it been like this. and if there’s some way I could eat or something I could take or a lifestyle that could improve my ability to feel/connect experience. or if it’s something I have to get used to and redo my life accordingly. It’s just so freaking subtle it’s almost as if it’s nothing is there.
You said that doing a job like your shoot has helped before… How is that today?
it does help my sense of feeling connected . But it doesn’t alter the subtle beyondness, it just shows me that I can operate with it. And that the connection I seeks is subtle. And as soon as it’s over again I feel the fear of disconnect again.
It’s very clear and free, just not what I’m used to I suppose.
It could be that this is my new normal to familiarize myself with and that I have to create a lifestyle that works with it. Or maybe it’s a phase that is swinging me really hard in the subtle direction that will even out in time. It’s been two months now.
It operates beautifully so long as I have a context and a point. And something or someone to relate to.
It appears to me that what works best is a lifestyle of various contexts I can surrender to/lead within.
Otherwise it’s too empty and the Beyond this is imbalanced and lacking the fullness. I’m having a hard time recognizing myself and my fullness far beyond. I feel my fullness through relating and engaging and have to work harder than u used to to feel alive. And even still it’s nothing like before, it’s very subtle. But it also has so much more potential and capacity for so much more reality without getting blown out.
To me fullness is feeling myself as a defined energy or form and all the dreams and visions that go with that. Emptiness is the spaciousness transparency that holds space for the definition. That’s What I mean when I speak empty/ full.
The spaciousness is perpetually Beyond. So that’s what I mean by lately I’m so beyond it’s just all space. Too much space not enough definition.
I don’t feel myself as a body or form or person hardly at all anymore. So light. But i worry why it fluctuates as it does…and overwhelms whatever I definition I might carry quickly so that I feel hardly anything anymore and it resets so fast. I worry if something is wrong or if I’m relating to it inaccurately… Compensating for the fear of it… How can I know myself so far beyond I ask? Without expeirnce? Or do I just need to stack in even more expeirnce now to make up for all the space? That’s literally what I’ve been thinking.That I have to work harder now. I have to do more. Because otherwise I’ll float away from my body and this earth and dissolve into non being. Is what it feels like.