Do you…
And everywhere I go I forget what I’m doing 2 seconds before forget forget unless I have a very clear contacts or point or someone to connect to I can very easily lose any sort of trajectory or sense of self and it all dissolves away again. I want to have a clear contact it makes it
I walk into a room or new place and I forget what I was doing two seconds before. It’s very difficult to manage physical objects because I have no sense of point or context or even energy to do it. I find in certain situations with enough context I can trigger flow States but without that context without the person it’s very difficult. I ask myself can I create my own context and I’m looking into that but typically I feel like completely directionless like traumatic to transition and it just feels bad. Maybe what I can do is just like force myself into it no not forcing feels bad but there’s some degree of a simulating when I do Force
Prefer to do 5 things at once in order for you to feel at peace and be able to listen on what your friend is saying to you? You prefer to stack contexts to feel at peace and focus… And you operate best in a crisis as the eye of the storm?
Have strikes of productivity till 7am, so creative and alert and insightful mindblowing to infinity… and other days you can’t leave your bed your so dead and out of capacity to Think a single thought? (transforming into on the spot access to source to be productive whenever I want more so of the time, by discipline and will power, and rest when I want, so that I can schedule productivity toward the accomplishment of my dreams, rather than be at the whim of strikes of lightening.)
That some days you don’t even need to sleep or you’ll sleep like 3 hours and feel amazing another days you need to sleep 13 hours straight. Some days your thoughts will flow perfectly and precisely and you have so much connection to thought and idea, and other days you look at people and you can’t find a single fucking word for shit to express because you’re just empty space.
Having a consistent sleep schedule has never been possible for you, gone to sleep doctors growing up, and the only solution was to allow your system to sleep when it wants and be up when it wants. as sometimes your system just doesn’t want to sleep and other days it only wants to sleep, and you’ve accepted the fluctuations as a natural function of how your nature likes to operate. That forcing otherwise has adverse effects on your overall balance, and it’s always felt better to simply allow sleep crashes a few days a week. (I’m open to consistenish sleep being possible)
That actually… The best way you operate in general is from beyond: before feeling, thought, experience, or especially trying… Where you barely perceive a world. It is easier to operate from the background when the foreground is preoccupied or in motion? (transformed into holding contact with background destiny in all I do as much as possible… Or stacking context… )
Can’t manage objects easily and organizing can be difficult unless you have a lightening bolt of inspiration that will help you keep maintence? So you wait for it to come to do all the chores because otherwise it drains you lifeless/overwhelms your operating system? That executive function mode doesn’t come naturally to you unless there is a crisis? (transformed into more all possible beingness, and consistent in touch with the why, and also having select days to super subtle source myself, and then siphon that into the chores, so that I’m holding my destiny clearly in the background of all my maintenance… Scheduled maintence days… )
That you have to stay on track to people and places that resonant contstantly or else your system shuts down and you lose touch with source connection and a sense of Balanced being, you lose the point? (Transformed into listening to the flow of what I desire and noticing how it goes through phases and cycles. I desire to be alone and source myself with subtle explroation, then I desire to go out and explore the world and be with people. Either way I am convicted I will be ok. That even when it seems like im falling into a depression for lack of connection, I recognize that as a detoxing perceptions of past stories of lack, in the pool of my overarching indestructible being Ness. And even still I am gentle with it as I still recognize the fluctuations of being and need for balancing different elements that I must honor to balance, and forcing schedules is still Difficult, I allow myself to flow.)
Things slip from your mind easily and profound emptiness is your natural state, so you have to carry a notebook or phone around the house even walking from room to room otherwise you perpetually drop into an empty moment where everything dissolves away too easikt. Doors may be left open, tasks unfinished because you like to jump between things so you don’t lose energy/focus/easily distract able by butterflies… And before everything, literally everything, is sucked up into the emptiness. (transformed into a mastermind program. management diagram software system for my life, the ability to hold intentions and execute them without needing to reference, and be whole, complete, and light touch essential in all I do for increased elegant efficiency. Systems… )
Can’t find the power or energy to do something unless you are deeply Connected to why… And ever more meaningful and exciting why’s? Desire to craft the most epic why of a life… And thus you work best in crisis as the eye of the storm. (transformed into always bing in touch with the biggest and most powerful why, and how it connects to the moment, otherwise I take a break to get back in touch with it and romance the fuck out of it and siphon it back into all the little steps )
Have little to no sense of time and space and everywhere you go you drop into a vortex of the moment that exists all on its own, dropping into states of absorption is your superpower, with nothing else and so you cling to maps and notes and your blog of clarifying essays and relationships to remind you who you are, what you are doing, and what else exists outside that moment? And you struggle with being impulsive/spontaneous because all you see is now? (transformed into holding the background bigger picture of ten steps ahead and behind the moment I am in now, so that all is included… More of the time…also improved ability to clarify myself for myself and tap back into my own god mode perspective )
You Change your mind constantly, flipping back and forth between all the various options and perspectives… As is naturally your process of clarification:to fully embrace and Experince all the counter perspectives. That you can’t leave a single stone unturned so that desire is undeniably fully clear. (improved ability to see through everything back to a single streamlined point, in union with myself)
Find it difficult to keep track of yourself and your progress or any to do list in general without systems to track it all externally for you? And you feel like a new born baby sometimes when you simply walk into each new room or each moment, to some degree because of the profundity of the empty moment? (improving ability to hold overarching desire and intention and flow within my own context)
Your bathroom mirror and bedroom walls are filled with sticky notes and white boards and sketched out diagrams mastermind ING every inch of your life.. Like gathering all the prices of a puzzle and syatemizing them together in ever more beautiful ways… your computer has twenty or more documents open at once. That you write on your computer constantly and bring it everywhere as a means to process and stay on course as exterbalizing your thoughts helps you hold it all and see it all at once, otherwise everything slips back into emptiness? And externalizing it helps? And your life goal is to create better and more efficient systems to externalize your operating system and keep track of all the pieces to scuplt the masterpiece completed puzzle of perfect harmonization of all the little bits? I must track every detail. (is still the case and yet I am increasing my efficiency of organizing and tracking)
That you can’t make sense of something, or make a decision easily unless you write it all down and see it all externally? And give yourself plenty of time to process it and come to clarity? Like it may takeDays and months to clarity a choice? And often I dot understand a conversation fully until days after. (transformed into ability to reflect within on the spot and come to clarity, without any writing more so.. And still have blog to reflect and clarify)
That you can get stuck in crevices of nuances that feel off? (am growing in perspective so that the crevices are more easily popped out of, with so many different contexts and systems and relationships available to me to pop me out of the cracks and see through the nuances with increasing efficiency and ability to balance back to the wholeness and include the offnesses)
Struggle transitioning between focuses, tasks, places, modes of operating? And you prefer to remove all plans and commitments from your schedule and go with your own spontaneous flow? (this is still very difficult and I still experience a lot of resistance switching tasks, and following through with plans… Especially when lightning strikes)
That you keep friends that are flexible and majority of relationships are ones that you decide when to hang out\reach out, or else go to social events I can come and go as I please…because of the fluctuating nature of my being and the reality that drives me and the struggle I have to be consistent.
Need a clear meditation on how to oreint your focus step by step, why you’re doing it, where to rest your focus, a clear map and context for doing anything otherwise you get lost in the infinity of random perception of anyone moment? Distractable as fuck unless I’m dropping into one of my states of super god mode absorption. And you crave relationships to hold context with you. (am proving ability to dive straight to the point with less priming, ability to be clear in desire consistently and just get to it..)
That you need a context in order to operate and feel connected, whether an external structure or relationship or direction from yourself, that otherwise you dissolve into the void of beyond and everything perceivable gets sucked up into it even a perceivable sense of self that could be useful? (improving in ability to. Hold. Own context for periods of time and be direct to my own passion)
Are totally formless naturally, and find yourself sinking back far into the void beyond, in transitions between contexts? Like you are free diving through space and constantly dying and being reborn?
That you crave relationships and work and an audience in order to feel form and yourself expressed?
That you tend to take the shape of whatever container/context you are in, or relationship you are reflecting? And you have a tendency to be gullable/manipulated if you do not step away from a conversation to clarify for Yourself what you think…
And you try to stack contexts as much as possible. More contexts=more reality soaking back=more peace.
That everything starts getting super translucent and beyond unless there is clear substance to the moment, and even if I stick around in something for too long (a house, a convo, a situation) that is lacking a point or an essence that balances me, again I am super sucked into the beyondness and all goes super translucent… And feels so Bad/out of. Balance…i am missing an essence…
You dream of stable relationships to Build with, to flow within the context of, to help hold the epic visions you tap into and bring back down to actualize. That you have a certain superpowerNess that just needs the proper relationship to hone in with and channel properly. And your most epic dream is a partnership that can see and understand you nature as it is…and me to his… To every deeper levels of understanding and clarity so that we can be a well oiled machine of getting epic shit accomplished … To compliment each other’s weaknesses and empower our strengths and see through our blindspots. To create a shared meaningful reality that sources and fulfills the fuck out of us.
That you have the power to tap into epic blissful realities that you then try and bring down to this reality with all these other people…seeing epic lucid dreams is your knack…
You shift in and out of various perceptual experiences constantly to the point where nothing feels real and it all is like a dream. (having a more consistent stream of beyondness lately that supercedes the rest…)
That you have a knack for transcending reality and your natural state is that of all perceptions being sucked back into emptiness perpetually and everything is constantly going translucent? Beyondness and transcendence is your superpower?
Were horribly shy as a child and had regular psycedelic experiences as the norm growing up? That in elementary school you could leave your body in the classroom and merge with the trees and blades of grass? And your parents didn’t know What to do with you.
That every day you wake up you start from scratch, it’s a new world, a new self, a new reality, and no one moment is ever the same/it’s all the same? And you have to continually reclarify who you are and what you want and it feels like you are constantly riding the flow of emptiness? (consistent clarifying self Days/God modes help give me clarity I can flow from. I have consistent popping out of The veil days where I get clear downloads of desire and understanding, that I then ride off for the next week or two… But I need to Consistently daily reclarification talks or else my flow is not of my own directive)
That you must vary your days and your life in order to honor the pull of your balance in any one moment? Otherwise you feel drained and utterly out of balance? And you can’t plan it for shit, so most planning is held lightly if not entirely thrown out. 90% of your day and week is spontaneous to what the moment wants and how you feel in the moment? (improving to a balance of infinite potential being that can be directed by will, by overarching desire superceding how I feel in the moment, pointing to longer term building rather than only short sighted gratification)
Are so incredibly sensitive that a crumb of any substance or supplement has an effect for days or weeks? To the point where even the slightest perception off you can feel painfully so, and thoughts and intentions can shift into vivid visceral experiences? And that you consider yourself a natural walking psychedelic? And that with the proper accumulation of thought and focus you can trigger psychedelic experiences.
You must follow the pull of balance to a tee because otherwise you get dissolved and sucked into the void and feel painful desire to exist, and so you have no choice but to drive around all southern cali seeking dances and relationships and projects of engagement to feel connected and alive and that you exist?
That your flow is interrupted you typically have to let it go and let it come around again?
Typically can’t be creative or insightful on demand without causing an imbalance to the being. You can’t be forced into certain modes and you are at the whim of whatever mode is of the day. (improving ability to access whatever state I desire, more so, by choice, at least a little bit… And to purposefully engage whatever I’d desire to do and feel)
You can’t stand being forced into conversations if your being is desiring something else.
That most human assumptions and paradigms of time, work, relationships, and what they make important, make no sense to you and you exist as an alien amongst these other humans.
They may have labeled you adhd, neurodivergent, “on the spectrum” , depressed, alien, and many other labels for being different and take you to doctors and try to drug you since 4th grade? Of which you had to stop in high school due to the fucked up side effects. Do not drug little children!! For God’s sake…
That you have felt yourself to be Indiana Jones surviving a wild adventure of your reality every single day. Every moment is a perceptual unknown.
You have had the most creative, spontaneous, out of the box lifestyle to manage your nature, comparatively to all the people with schedules, routines, and consistent senses of self.
You feel totally Out of balance, like way too much beyondness and weird lack of connectedness if you do not dance every night or consistently stay in motion. And being in a house too long the imbalance kicks up super bad.
you struggle finding clarity and word and thought unless you are speaking to the right person? The sometimes your words won’t flow until finally you have the right audience? Or otherwise sometimes a lot of times your words don’t flow at all unless you can walk and be in motion and then the thoughts start flowing the insights start coming. And sometimes you just have better conversations when you walk rather than sit still? But wait maybe this is nothing and actually it all jsut fluctuates too nevermind.
You have tapped into realms of mystical perspective and bliss that mind and heart fuck you with awe. Waves of epic God mode desire, power, insight and perspective rush through you randomly, but typically not on demand? You wish more than anything to share the epicness you have seen and tasted with others that is so undeniably true? The strikes of Infinity that bring you to utterly ecstacy, the unbelievable visions and superpowers you only wish you Could share and communicate with the rest of these stable normal people… Oh how I desire to share this epicness…
You have creative capacities and subtle Nuance of perception to piece things together that is profoundly intelligent given the right context and goal and support.
If so let me know. We should definitely be friends!
My nature is not mine or me. It’s what I’m working with. I don’t identify with it, I don’t buy into labels besides the useful recognition of patterns, and transforming it.
I’m fully aware of my suboptimal behaviors and patterns the scenario of circumstance and things that work that I’ve accumulated over the years. I’m willing to have faith that there is a higher truer more direct path to all that I desire… A total balancing of being on all levels.
These descriptions are what I have noticed, and they are transforming constantly. Even now as I type this, I see so much of what I wrote no longer being the case, and it evolving into more essence and power so that I operate at same capacity and beyond high-level operating beings.
I identify with nothing
I am open to Transforming everything.
I envision a goddess of a woman embodying balance, clarity, and focus, consistently embracing challenges with unwavering willpower. My actions stem from clarified intentions, aligning every thought and behavior with a high-quality, overarching goal. I seek complete mastery over myself, total dominion over my beingness, based on my clarified intentions, transcending suboptimal behaviors and desires. This intention is planted at the causal level, and all the rest falls into place accordingly.