I let myself flow the other night and somehow I found myself dancing and laughing and pretty much falling into my ex’s arms on the Dance Floor. I was hit like a tsunami wave with rushes of chemistry. I mean delicious flavors that I can’t exactly put into words, something like sweet humorous warm strong caring masculine I want to fall into. He makes my heart melt and my spirit sing. I let myself interact freely and feel all the little stings of desire in my cells. There was nothing in my experince to tell me no, other than a subtle conviction in the background. It held me back from jumping on him, asking if I could go back with him. I asked for one more dance and soaked up each embrace. Then professionally said goodbye and walked away.
it’s just absolutely amazing to me that there is nothing to alert me that something that delicious and wonderful in my experince is not healthy, besides a subtle conviction in the background. And I realize that this is true on so many levels. like the delicious chocolate cake that gave me hives. What is there to tell us that it is unhealthy besides the subtle conviction in the background, developed from repeated experience and awareness of the result. I’ve been down this road I know where this leads. I get hives and also emotionally abused. No matter how delicious it is in the moment, holistically I don’t want it. Can I develop a holistic appetite more of the time? that goes beyond the experience of the moment? Sure he feels amazing and sweet, but does he have all the substance to back it up and build a healthy relationship with me? That is safe to have that degree of romantic chemistry with? No.
I want to develop my appetite for holistic deliciousness that is beyond any one experience or feeling or thought but is the accumulation of all the moments and what I know is best in the end.