Yesterday, when I first called you in the afternoon, it wasn’t so much about figuring out the phone, it felt more like vibrational coordinates that I was tuning to in talking to you that allowed for the steps to be laid in front of me. Quite amazing how it came together when I switched from desperation to ease/confidence.
Unfortunately it was pretty intense on my beingness to drive for 5 hours straight without a phone or gps, lost, trying to drive from Simi Valley to this place in la to pick up the phone. caused quite a bit of stress and negative perception. It eased with the dancing and I felt amazing, so I was suprised that it came rushing back when I didn’t go home straight away. AND I was delirious. I felt bad to speak to you that way, sorry.
painful/scary/self-satogoing perceptions stem from seed bad feelings that seem to come from misalignment (pushing myself beyond my boundary). But the pain comes layered with thoughts and perceptions that feel like “i am incapable, all alone and no one can help me, I give up.” I asked myself who is the one that is incapable? And who is the other that can’t help me? And what is it I am giving up? It helped dissolve the perceptions into silence and I could bask in a sweet pool where nothing is real and everything is the same.
On one hand I sense that the feelings are road signs signaling that I am going off course. And on another hand, they also bring to the surface perceptions that are not useful that desire to be seen through/digested, so that when I feel that way in the future, I feel the feeling for what it is and align, rather than go down a path of self sabotage that makes the feeling worse.
I also sense it is similar to my ocd. Where I want to feel that bad and misalign and make the feeling worse, almost just to see what it’s like if I do. It’s like the triple checking pattern. So often I feel nothing/empty, so it’s like I want to feel the intensity of feedback to double check and make sure. And also if it is more intense, it is easier to love and feel relief from it. Like, the more intense and loud the pain, the greater the love and relief. So it seems…
lastly, there is a good feeling addiction to feeling that bad and romancing the horror movie, interestingly enough. seriously, part of me feels good to feel bad….like it’s getting some sort of validation from it or something. It feels like, “I exist because I am in so much pain. Look at all my pain and validate I exist!”
These are parts that self sabotage and are begging to be seen, that desire to feel the horror and the pain and draw it out and tell the stories that make it worse. I did this for years growing up and can see countless memories where I romanced the pain. But the thing is, if I am really really aware, and noticing how it feels, it is not possible to do this. Because I notice that the feeling good I am getting from feeling bad, actually most essentially feels bad.
I can only really notice this if I am stepped back another layer from the story though. If I am too warped into the story, I’m stuck in some sort of ego cancer that is feeding off the pain to survive, stuck in the story of it. Echart calls this the painbody. I’m not far back enough to see through the ego and notice it essentially feels bad.
When i can see clearly enough that the separate self is dissolved, then it is effortless to notice it feels bad and the awareness sucks up all the perceptions that came with the bad feeling…and I align.
So much of the pain thrives with this perception of a separation. When those perceptions dissolve away, noticing how it feels effortlessly clears up the seed bad feelings.