I wanted to bring awareness to everything that arose for me during and after our call with the intention of clarifying it.
I had a strong negative reaction to our Keta last night. I resisted the call for quite some time for what felt like many reasons.
I felt connection in relation to topics and ideas shared and when I tried to communicate the connection I was expeiriencing it felt dead/disconnected and also not recieved/connected to.
This has happened before, where I enjoy the resonance and insights that arise in a call but when try to communicate it, the concepts take me out of the connection and reality of it.
Perceptions of self doubt arose to the insights/connection I was tapping into.
I felt I lost my center and myself (this happens all the time for me… Again I have blamed it on being an undefined reflector)
And it had me questioning when do I share versus not share?
Why does sharing sometimes feel empty or bad and disconnected when I try to put into words, and amazing when I keep to myself?
Why do I sometimes lose myself when I share and then feel self doubt and disconnect?
Why can’t the other see the amazing thing I’m seeing/ why can I not convey the point so they can see it?
Why does the other not seeing what I am pointing to have any effect on the reality of it within me? Why do I feel that I lose it when I share?
I sense I can’t always connect to other in a way I want and I might distort myself or feel distorted in sharing in an effort to force connection. It feels bad. Rather than listening and allowing for connection from as it is: the other as they are and as I am in this moment.
On one hand I want to rest in myself and the truth of it in sharing or not sharing regardless.
And on the other I want to refine my ability to connect with other with my shares so they see what I’m pointing to.
I overshare by nature and lose myself / doubt my perspectives easily… But Ive always blamed it on the whole human design reflector thing of being so open and undefined.
And I was also very frustrated that it took me away from a cool house party I wanted to go dance at, and the peace on nonconceptualness I was swimming in Before the call.
I resisted the community living topic out of fear that I will lose my own unique path and life as how I want to live it if I lived with the same comunity every day. But actually my dream is to live with many different communities and dip in and out of them as I need to for purpose of contrasting perspective and refining my own uniqueness.
That my uniqueness is in contrast to/the integration of all the other uniqueness… And I only see this contrast when I keep in motion to continually gathering contrast.
Basically I don’t want to be stuck in one place with one group of people or persons for very long or else I lose myself and my path and how I come to the truth. My nature is to mix it up and keep in motion.
Although maybe a core community doesn’t negate me gathering contrast and moving about, and that all I desire and how I desire to live could be included.