He always used to tell me I wanted his soul and not all of him. He was right. He was at least smart enough to see this.
That I wanted his essence(my essence) but not all of his reality. Because much of his reality had no substance to me. Because it was distortion. And I couldn’t give his distortion reality. It was empty. But I wanted his essence. His soul. Essentially my soul I saw in him. Very true.
It’s like he wants someone at his level of development to take him seriously so that he can eventually come around to transcending his bullshit himself. Like he wants to play it out with another character that can give it substance so he can see what it looks and feels like and then evolve past it at his own pace. That’s my theory.
I literally couldn’t do it anymore even if I tried because it was just like vapor I couldn’t grasp. There were no words for me to speak or form for me to take in response to his bullshit. It got to the point where I was literally empty and didn’t know what to do or how to be. This was also happening with other people. This is when I know a form has lost essence for me and there is no longer substance in it for my soul to gain anything from, is not relevant for my current theme, and I have no choice but to move on. Even if on some levels there is essence…you must recognize when there are distortions on other levels and it is not holistically true all around. No relationship is worth distortion and untruth.
But you see this is what his soul wants. To develop at its own pace. I am not here to disrupt that free will by any means… I am not here to enlighten and purify him by force. This is the number one rule of the universe: free will. Same as this is what my soul wants: to step away as well. Both our soul level Selves are In agreeance.
Because same for me…I want the full reality completed on all levels. I want a partner that I can interact with on levels of ego and self that are reflective of source. That come from source. I can’t be a partner with someone I love for their soul but then mismatch with them at levels of ego. It wasn’t enough to just cheat to his soul level… It wasn’t fully real and pure and true all the way… there was too much distortion. I desire a partner that relate from source on all levels of being.
I dream of a partner I can experience all the essence I desire that is me, and be on the same page with on all levels of reality…even if there are levels where we differ. Playful sexy intelligent intellectual adventurous magnificent genius juicy affection loving kind powerful enlightening masculine caring uplifting peaceful and oh so much fun. And in the meantime I am that partner unto myself and I rest in satisfaction of the essence that is me.