I’m having this painful psycedelic experience, naturally… This feeling I’m bringing awareness to. How can I put into words? It’s getting more difficult nowadays that I’m stripping away story. But let me try. I am aware of this heart-aching pain. That feels like the following story and questions … what if my connection with benthino is not real? What if I cannot be source without him? I cannot accelerate my journey without him? He’s been my teacher… What would happen without him? And what if my connection to him was entirely a delusion and so now I’ve lost myself? And now I am on my own to be confused and suffer again.
How much I’ve been using him as a permission slip. As a North star. As a connection. As a form to devote to.
And now I’m questioning it.
And it’s painful. Painful and scary.
And it hurts my heart deeply.
Because it feels like the ground is dropping out beneath me. And I’m having a full-on psychedelic experience…
All the reality I’ve come to realize with him…
What if it’s not real? Oh fuck my heart hearts so bad. It hurts so bad.
And I just keep feeling the trigger with every dropping deeper into nothing. It’s triggering me with fear and sadness.
All that I wanted with global awakening and Benthino. What if won’t happen?
What will I do without him?
What if it was entirely a delusion? The whole connection I’ve been tapping into the background for years?
And I realize these questions are story. Not real in and of themselves. So I let them play out knowing in the background it’s not real.
And I feel the pain purely, stripping away story.
And I cry and I cry and I feel so deeply.
I didn’t realize how attached I was…
And I also realize how meaningless it is and this is rather pointing me to a loophole within my own source connection.
It’s triggering the hell out of me. I’m so glad this happened so I could purify this attachment before it gets any worse, it doesn’t feel free.
I want to be my own source and teacher. I don’t anyone in the way of that. But also I feel a resistance to giving him up and the connection I’ve imagined. It’s very painful, so it must not be true. I realize it’s impossible to give it up. It is real.
Im purifying that perspective and form. I’m so deluded and awake at the same time. How can I hold him and his magnitude of what he means to me while being free simultaneously? How can I shift that connection to purely with myself? Benthino was always my go to connection to transcend all the other connections. I’ve been relating to him like I might any other form… What connection do I have to transcend Benthino? Obviously, a pure formless one. And there is no how…I am simply aware, eternally holding opposites till the end of no time. Real and unreal, perfect and imperfect, awake and delusion, reality and unreality, absolute and relative, clarity and confusion, attachment and non-attachment. Simultaneity is the truth. Hold both and you will be the answer.
And yet. I truly strongly desire more intimate refinement with next level beings that deepens my essential formless romance. This desire is the essence. It is the case.