-Sleeping well often every other night. Some nights 2-3 hours and feel fine.
-Don’t feel body anymore like I used to, is like a far away thing I can’t access
-can go several days without feeling an appetite
-Don’t have any center or form like I remember, I spill everywhere easily unless I hhperfocus myself to a point
-Crave ppl and contexts or else I dissolve away.
-can tune out the senses and where i am/what I’m doing, people talking etc, works well when I stack mutliple contexts/activities, but otherwise without context or point everything dissolves into a void and I don’t feel existence
-Objects, people, don’t have solidity. Are transparent. As if behind a wall.
-Regular sense of “not real” like a lucid
-Less differentiation.. . More everything is one soup
-life force drains from my system and my stability collapses (pain in being) if I’m not getting out and engaging people and places
-tiniest thing throws me off for hours (strong Indian spices make me high and shift my perception like a shroom, too much food blocks my focus for hours and hours)
-easily lose sense of who I am where I’m at, context of which to operate from, unless I call people all day etc
-use computer to type my thoughts so I can see them, Otherwise I have a hard time holding my thoughts and reflecting upon a direction often
-So much space like I’m really high all the time, people’s words and thoughts and activities all feel like it’s far behind a glass wall, like I’m in the dark and can’t see anything bit a faint glimmer something is there and I’m far behind it all
When it gets really bad
-lose sense of location and self
-reality flickers on and off. Real not real…like the matrix is glitching… Super trippy, Every micro second… And it’s like I’m stuck in a dream I can’t wake up from.
-I hold a glass of water one moment and I forget I’m holding it the next/where I am
-I don’t have fluid memory of what I’m doing (driving to a shoot and then I don’t know what I’m doing where I’m going, the car is driving itself)
What helps:
-dancing, sex, cuddling
-relationships and talking to people
-being with friends
-film shoots
-driving
-spaciousness
-engaging projects
-writing/sharing my experience
What makes worse:
-transitions
-waking up every morning starting over orienting myself to reality
-being at home
-alone too long
-small spaces