The desire for nst also comes from wanting confirmation and expansion upon my insights. But often when I share, often I lose the substance and power of it as I speak it. It feels like I’m leaking. That’s why I desired to be in group with benthino… was to share and feel less leakage and more empowerment.
for my nuances of question and insight to be connected with and confirmed, to be utterly convicted of them with another being, and share in the power of the resonance.
Where is this desire impure and limiting?
Why do I need another to answer my questions?
Confirm my insights?
To empower what I want?
Well I’ve had this experience with Benthino as a teacher thus far and it’s utterly cutting edge. But I see the limitation in it.
And see I see the essence of the desire minus the limitation: to be convicted in my insights, refine them, expand upon them, apply them.
So can’t I do this myself?
I can let the insight be enough in itself. Minus any other. That my direct expeirnce is now the queen. And the application the confirmation. And to compound upon my convictions directly with reality itself. Ironically benthino is essentially there anyway. And!!, benthino was his own teacher. He carved out these teachings and is convicted directly in his own insights. Now I can do the same for me with myself for myself. I am my own teacher and guru. I can ask my own questions and give my own answers. I can love myself and udnerstand myself and realize myself directly and intimately that no out there being could ever have the power to do.
It feels scary like I am letting go of benthino. And on one level this is true. I have an attachment to him that is limiting. Once I am throughly my own teacher and I am going direct to source, there may be relevance to work and relate with benthino or a being like him. Naturally it may happen. But from that place there won’t be a need for it. I’m going to shift there now.