There it was again: all I desire…
Every peak insight, every moment of falling in love.
Every juicy sexy dance, side splitting laugh, and rush of adventure.
Every trauma and it’s healing.
Every lover that melts my heart and moves perfect with my body, playing mystical God to my mystical Goddess.
The ideal romantic movie scene.
All at once I feel it. Waves of love and affection, humor so sweet, and reality so real it pops me out of every last compartment until I can see the entirety of my existence. Overwhelm and ecstacy of mystical reunion… essentially all I ever desire to deeply feel and be, course through me. The resonance of my dreams all compounded into one moment. I fall so so so deeply, epicly, in love.
I go into the experience for its own sake and play it out like a lucid dream I finally get to embody.
And then I walk to the kitchen, eat some food. He scrolls through his phone and shows me a stupid meme.
I ask him, what the hell was all that and how does it fit into the rest of all of these moments?
Doesn’t it phase you that we just experienced so much perfection and now we have to go back to all this imperfection? How can I go from God mode to moments of awkwardness and I can’t find my socks?
And why do I fall so deeply in love with you, feel the romance of my dreams from head to toe… And yet it is very clear we are not logistically compatible life partners. We are not Disney prince and princess. You want a monogamous wife and kids and none of that is what I want.
How can I transcend all reality with you, feel every inch of all I desire, wake up out of every last compartment into profound peace…
But you just told me today you are in love with another woman and she is moving in a few months from now?
He tells me, because I can feel that way with her too, and she’s more logistically compatible.
In a flash I feel the opposite of everything I desire: utter lack. A heart aching pain makes me want to vomit. I experience whooses of perception that are essentially perceiving the end to my life and all I enjoy… Because how could I ever move on from this moment, with this much pain?
There is an immediate background peace fully aware that the perceptions are not true in and of themselves. The pain plays out and is nearly immediately dissolved back into the background peace.
I allow myself to milk the heartbreak a little more. More intense pain overcomes me and I cry for a good minute as I tell the story of jealousy and rejection and lack of the love of my life. I let myself feel it as real.
In a flash the background asks, why am I causing pain? Why am I perceiving this way? It’s hurting! I stop. I rememeber perception is my choice, and my commitment to only ever perceive in a way that accelerates reality to freedom and empowerment.
I feel bad feelings for having engaged that story and perception. Stop again! So I stop.
I allow the stories for sake of clarifying them. Then step out of the stories and notice how it feels, how all my perceptions feel, until the feeling is digested back to peace beyond it all.
And then I was fine. A most amazing high, devastating low, in flashes of a few seconds and minutes… Passed! No big deal! Nothing ever happened! Free and empowered as can be!
Holy fucking shit.
In came the rush of New Perspectives:
-that unreal moment was real, it is true, it is mine and my essence, it is always here, and I cannot ever lack it
-There is no separation between my “God mode” and my eating food and losing my sock, between my high and my low… What if I could that perceived separation dissolved and I could rest in the same Essence regardless of experiences shifting? And I could see the unreal in all things? Wow!
-so therefore I am the essence of all that beauty and I don’t need to force experience of it
-I honor what is best for the whole over my selfish interests, and want to ease myself away from him
-falling in love is not exclusive to a person, or even a circumstance, I fall in love with reality (can take many forms)
-relationships are not like Disney fairy tales and do not have to fit in boxes of girlfriend boyfriend husband wife
-I am ever more devoted to honoring a logistically sourceful lifestyle and relationships to carry this beauty (half logistics, half romance)
The point is I just had the most high high and low low and it wasn’t a big deal. There’s so much more Beyond it.
I’m quickly purifying past paradigms and perceptions into new ways of seeing that are Freer and more all possible, naturally so, simply by noticing how it feels and applying Devotion. Awareness heals itself, I don’t even have to do it really. Rather, I’m devoted to honoring it.
And that the Epic Bliss of falling in love I seek, is more like a mountain lake rather than a rushing waterfall. Even when it is a rushing waterfall, it dissolves back into an ever more expansive Mountain Lake Beyond.