It happened like this: I asked what I wanted. Reality responded that it wanted to know what isn’t? If everything is then what isn’t. It felt like, how can I truly see what is and choose what I want if I’m not even clear on what isn’t.
All the sudden I was thrown into this existential fear of not knowing what reality was. Which was weird. Because I thought I figured this out already. I’ve realized that I exist. And so I searched and searched for what isn’t but couldn’t exactly find it. Except that all the sudden I couldn’t even find what is! And then I started imagining that black hole from the space video.
It was terrifying as fuck. I felt like I was losing my mind. Because all sense of reality in any conventional sense was just flushing down the toilet. Nothing was real. And I Kept asking… If what is, then what isn’t? What is really absolute truth? I thought that counsiouness was absolute ground…but what isn’t consciousness? And it felt like I was loosing my mind and sanity. And then I realized I would have to lose my sanity in order to define the sanity I want. That to enter into more profound levels of choice, I would need to die to my old sense of reality and how things work to then recreate a new one.
And it was terrifying. To see everything as a figment of consciousness that I would have to let go of and die to. How if all that is, is, and it’s only what is and its all there is… but then what isn’t? and I nearly started falling down to what isn’t.
I felt myself falling into what felt like nothign. Nothing is! But it was so terrifying…like I was paralyzed with terrifying fear I couldn’t find myself any fucking where, no where. I’ve never experienced so much fear in my entire life. I swear to god I could have died of fear.
I pulled back because the fear was too intense. But then it launched me straight into the purest most blissful most pure ecstasy of clear knowing. That I was relieved as fuck to be. I just cried and cried and cried relieved that I am and to realize that I am! So relieved that I exist.
I didn’t want to not exist yet and I was so confused what the heck is reality. I thought I already figured reality out. why am I confused and doubting again and what’s that weird question I was feeling. That question…and it wasn’t even a thought exactly it was some trippy feeling that arose…it just felt like “what isn’t. If this is… then what isn’t.” And the feeling haunted me so bad that this feeling of doubt is present. I was too afraid to answer the question. And it blocked my choice of what I want like it always does! And so the only way I came to relieving that doubt…was to accept the desire: I wanted to not is and that I didn’t want to do it alone because it was too terrifying. But it’s very clear I want it. So that I can more clearly be my choice even more so. So that my choice can be even more clear and powerful, I must not be. And so into order to correct the doubt, I promised myself that would realize what isn’t when the timing is right. And not alone, but with a partner.
Very precisely with understanding. And then there was a question…do you need this…or can you realize that you will not is in the future, now. And I did realize it now and then I felt complete now: That I can realize now that in the future I will realize absolute beyond infinity and therefore feel completed now.
And also I saw that I was imagining my need to realize reaching through to this black hole anyway and then I fell back into my infinite perfection of being now. And I basked in my wholeness to keep raising my baseline of consciousness…that I didn’t even need a partner but that I genuinely wanted to share in the beyond and go beyond through the fear. To not is with a lover. I want to be clear in beyond, absolute truth
And that healed the doubt. And I was released back into my pure choice without doubt. So much so that I choose to drop purely through all the terrifying fear back beyond before being right now by myself without a partner, into more pure ecstacy of fresh existence…newness so profound it was like I was an alien dropping into my body for the first time. Born again again again from beyond beyond beyond.