And then I got it.
I saw how I was relating to you.
Sharing every inch of intimate process…like vomiting it to you…
And yet u dissecting it and picking it apart when that’s something I need to do myself….
And u can go on and on and on. And it’s overwhelming.
I got angry… I was sharing too much… And your dissecting of it made me angry.
So much mental masterbation at this point.
I feel myself beyonding you.
In that moment… I was literally actually beyond u.
I want relationships that forward a purpose. A project. A point. That are on the same Page. That have shared desire.
What was the point? I remember asking myself that day before I called you… I asked… Why Joe?
If I have the comedy feedback. Silliness. And I have the enlightened cutting edge. More of my style too. And I have the intellectual that’s not too exhausting…snf I have the cutting edge lucid dream spiritual connection with myself…
Then what am I missing really? All your essence had been accounted for.
If you had told me… Hey Claire we can’t have this relationship anymore. It would Have devastated me. Maybe it was better you said nothing…
Because it made me clarify for myself… Whether I want you or Not. What was our relationship….what do I really want…
I had to come to the conclusion myself.. Through first wanting you from lack.
And also, because u did not say, it triggered so much in my system that feels bad. So much suffering… It felt like a raging fire cleansing me from all that I am attached to.
So then I can want your essence from peace.
The point is… I see I share too much… I’m. Not embodying.
I want actual relationships. That feel balanced.
I never really Quite got what our balance was…
And I imagine processing through ever last fear and trauma of this until I have nothing but love for you and All that happened… Seeing so so clearly how precisely it is all I desire. So so so clearly I will see how epicly it has always been and is so absolutely what I desire for most epic expansion, freedom and empowerment.