This morning and last night I had a really bad backlash of what I might call depression, essentially really bad feelings and loss of life force that no amount of willpower or thinking could get me out of, in fact a lot of that is what triggered it. I’m really proud of myself because I could feel the difference between reacting to it and gauging it and telling the stories and being angry about it, versus resting before it allowing it to be and moving forward. I’m not saying it shifted anytime soon in fact pretty much not for the entire day, but I felt stable I felt like I could get through it I could handle it I wasn’t going to die I’m going to survive this and it was much less painful than my experiences of walking through depression in the past. I feel like I know how to best Orient to this now in a way that allows it to heal much quicker.
This morning and last night I had a really bad backlash of what I might call depression, essentially really bad feelings and loss of life force that no amount of willpower or thinking could get me out of, in fact a lot of that is what triggered it. I’m really proud of myself because I could feel the difference between reacting to it and telling the stories and being angry about it, versus resting before it allowing it to be as it is and moving forward. I’m not saying it shifted anytime soon, in fact pretty much not for the entire day. but I felt stable. I felt like I could get through it. I could handle it. I wasn’t going to die. I’m going to survive this. and it was much less painful than my experiences of walking through depression in the past. I feel like I know how to best Orient to this now in a way that allows it to heal much quicker.
I also have much more respect for the balance of my being and the feedback that I receive. I want to be more aware of what feels natural versus forced. To force/bypass away a heavy perception I notice actually doesn’t feel good. What feels more natural is to take the action that most aligns with the feeling I am desiring, to remedy that bad feeling perception.
To only think or imagine the feeling is not enough for me at this point of my evolution. As far as I can tell I still need experiences, embodiment, people, socialization, new places. I get there are higher densities of needing less of this, but for me to try to force myself there is totally unnatural and causing me a lot of suffering and backlash.