TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE
I was dry heaving over the toilet all day, curling into a ball in various parts of the house trying to cope. Over 24 hours and the burning pain and nausea wasn’t getting any better. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what it was. I was just it, facing my pattern of wanting to disppear and avoid the pain with something like force sleeping, which only made the discomfort worse.
I was dropped within a familiar movie of seeking help, acknowledgement, and love from my mom. I tried to get it from her. And she was giving it, but I wasn’t recognizing it. It wasn’t enough of what I actually needed (again, I wasn’t recognizing what I actually needed). And so the pain escalated until I nearly ran into her room late at night in a panic attack. I needed her to understand my pain. She wasn’t getting it, so I thought. I was missing the point.
Exactly the pattern from all my panic attack/hell childhood adolescent years, and I still feel the subtle pain of it now. It’s like whenever I feel pain I feel extra pain on top of needing her to understand the pain and help me make it go away, and her perceived incapacity to do it.
It’s a distortion.
THE HEALING
In talking with you I could essentially feel the energy behind the patterns in relating with my mom and not be attached to the story. The pain dissolved immediately after our call, mentally but also physically!, and was gone by morning. Shocking. It was definitely intense physical sensations the day before worthy of urgent care. But I see now why you say nothing is essentially physical caused or outside of what I desire. Amazing.
And you called me right as I was feeling the peak of pain and trauma, seeing flashes of going into my mom’s room to panic and beg for her comfort, nearly about to do it like the many times I did growing up.
We talked. The pain dissolved. And I woke up painfree, but fatigued and barely conscious, struggling with my tendency to avoid discomfort. I see myself bracing against and pushing away what feels bad, refusing to move out of stubbornness: a tendency that feels like wanting to sleep forever and not exist (and actually trying to do it, but then the discomfort gets worse. That is why I equate rest/too much sleep with depression!)
I practiced relaxing with it and moving forward, walked myself to and through the shoot and everything I was feeling. I differentiate between resilience and force. One I would say I relax with discomfort, the other I push it away.
I AM THE ONLY BEING IN THE UNIVERSE
I essentially realized I am the only being in the universe. This cleared up countless distortions. Especially the validation one that’s been haunting me. From my mom and from Benthino (lol! Mom & Benthino = similar figures, ie parent helps child grow and child outgrows the dependency) and my quandary with realizing my full epicness but needing it to be validated. Also clarified my share trigger.
Why doubt my share if it’s only me? What is the point of validation if it’s only me? Who do I have to blame if it’s only me? Isn’t it only me choosing if it’s only me? Who can actually completely appreciate and understand me if it’s only me? And does a trigger arise at all if it’s only me?
Also made clear how I relate to people and to Nls. I see that it’s all still essentially my perspective of their perspective… All me. I was giving them too much power. Benthino especially. I have the authority to myself I don’t need it from them. My path to source is my path to source. No one can actually ever know and feel all my epicness as much as I can feel it, or clarify what I want like I can (they can do for themselves, similar but not the same.) My usual confusions/triggers/loss of self dissolve with this realization.
Seriously this is a mindfuck. I am the only being in the universe! (we all are! Gasp! Infinite only one being of infinite only one beings!) My soloness is actually peaceful, relieving, richly intimate, freeing, and incredibly empowering. All I desire and the capacity for it is contained within this realization!
APPRECIATE PEOPLE IN THEIR CONTEXT, SEE THEIR LOVE ESSENTIALLY
I can see the love my mom or any one relationship is giving me is essentially all love, but different expressions. Each being is unique. I want to allow them in their context and not force them beyond their natures. Recognize their love as they can give it and appreciate it as it is.
If I feel I am not getting a certain connection from someone, don’t force it, find what I’m looking for either myself or be shown though some other relationship until that too is integrated into myself.
And I could feel deep appreciation for the profundity of love from my parents to tears. See clearly how they are loving me as they can with their natures as they are and how perfect it is as it is.
WHY I APPRECIATE THE VEIL
I haven’t been able to stop writing and insighting all day and night. I feel like I was plugged into a super connection of all the answers and power I ever wanted and I’m drinking it up like I’ve been starving in the desert.
However, I understand why the veil is important. I wouldn’t be able to clarify the distortions and have all the insights unless I had the full experince. And that can only happen if Im velied from certain perspectives and I take the story/experince as compeltely real. What a freaking trip. It’s like I’m in a matrix with my higher self and I’ve purposefully forgotten myself so I can remember myself again.
I forget all the references outside the current movie theme in order to learn a lesson and bring the movie to its climax. Haha. It couldn’t have been a more perfectly orchestrated movie. I think that’s what this whole human/earth experience is… A big illusory movie by our own choice so we can learn lessons and clarify ourselves.
I want to have more moments of higher self clarity so I can relax into the moments of veil, clear it is to refine nuances of myself. With this understanding I no longer resist moments of discomfort, or my veiled/super absorbed/no reference/no defined centers, nature. It’s genius!